lebumfacil

He had a dream of twisted fates and cynical laughs. Staring at space with utmost sincerity in endless time, he responds to whispers that drag people around him to ideas away from the mundane. He wills to craft things too beautiful for the hands to see. He dares to. He chooses to. He continues to drift from day to day indifferent to the idea that he's actually capable of taking away some lady's dying dream.

Or so he thought.

several hours before thanksgiving day

Ang kulit kanina. Ang galing galing ko talaga kahit kailan. I have this friend who's working in Canada, and I take every chance that I get to email her. Ang kulit lang kanina, was supposed to tell her na, "Ang sarap siguro umuwi ngayon at yakapin ang unan. Haay." Ranting from some kid na gusto nang matulog. Tantrums galore. Ang kulit lang na muntik ko na iyon masabi sa isang tao na halos isang dekada nang nagtatrabaho sa abroad.

Sakto, panahon pa nang Pasko. Mga emsoyon nang tao, sumasabay sa pag-nipis ng hangin.Ang sakit siguro nung mga salitang un para sa kaniya. Frustrating, ika nga. Dahil kung nagkataon man na gaya niya ako na toyooin, kahit anong tantrums eh hindi siya makauuwi ka'gad dito sa Pinas.

Kung ako nga na unan lang ang mayakap, masaya na, pa'no pa kaya ung sabik sa yakap ng mga anak? Siguro kung pwedeng ipagpalit sa plane ticket ang kasabikan niyang makauwi dito at maka-sama ung pamilya niya, naka-ilang round trip na siya.

Sabi ko nga magpa-pasko na.

kailan mas gumagana ang isip ng tao,

pag gutom o pag busog?

tiil

Patay kung patay.

Yan ung pinag-tatawanan namin kagabi sa cab. Ako, si Kate, at si manong Dennis - ung driver. Sakit sa tiyan. Pa'no, mula Greenbelt hanggang Tejeron eh wala kaming ginawa kundi pasakitin ang aming mga panga.

Pinag-uusapan kasi namin ng best friend ko ung ply wood na bumagsak sa may taas ng Cibo. Akala kasi namin, may bomba nanaman. Sabay usisa ni manong driver, "Talaga, andun kayo nung pinasabog Glorietta?"

"Ai hindi manong," sagot namin, "kanina kasi habang kumakain kami, may bumagsak na ply wood; kala namin katapusan na namin."

Hahaha.

"Buti hindi kayo natakot mag-shopping diyan?", follow up ni manong Dennis.

"Naku manong, kung lagi kang takot, walang mangyayari sa'yo. Pag oras mo na, oras mo na. Patay kung patay."

At dun na nag-simula ang bonding namin.

Ano nga ba ginagawa namin dun nung mga panahon na binomba pala ang Batasan? Naghahanap kasi kami ng make-up ni Kate. As in hinagilap namin ang buong G1 para hanapin ung "perfect" sa mukha niya. Ang kulit kasi ang hinahanap namin, ung "natural look". Kung ganun na nga rin lang, ba't kailangan pa ng make-up? Naalala ko ung lip gloss sa Mac. Perfect shade, sabi ko sa kaniya. Classy, desente tignan [mahirap kasi siya hanapan ng lipstick, nagmumukha siyang pokpok sa konting kulay]. Ayaw niya, kasi daw baka mapansin ung lips niya. "Eh sa maganda,eh. Kung ayaw mo mapansin, eh di wag ka na mag-lagay."

Babae nga naman.

May isa pa akong kwento. Bago pumunta sa Greenbelt, galing ako ng pamantasang mahal. Nag-enroll at dapat papasok. Sakto nga naman na first day supposedly ng lab at walang nahiram na gamit sa SRR [Science Research Room] namin na puro newly acquired things. May nalalaman pa silang mga gas chromtagography apparatus eh slides at microscope lang hinihiram namin, wala silang mabigay.

Anyway, hindi nga pala un ung kwento ko tungkol sa school.

Eh di un nga, papasok [act of entering] ako. Mga 26 steps away eh inabangan ko na kung haharangin ba ako nila manong guard dahil dyed ng burgundy ang buhok ko at hindi ako naka-uniform o..

"Good afternoon ma'm."

Panalo. Walang mintis, pag 'di ako naka-uniform, yan ang bati ng mga guard sa'kin.

"Good afternoon rin" din naman ako, may kasama pang tango. Sabay pag-lampas sa kanila, tawa ako. At take note, pinagbuksan pa ako ng pinto sa cashier's office. Nice. Nice. Pati mga ibang empleyado, binabati ako. Woohoo. Ano ba itsura ko: doktor, prof o matrona?

Ang hindi nila alam eh isa akong studyante na nagm-master ng subject. Take two, in short. Hindi ba nila ma-gets na hindi lang mag-kasya sa'kin ung mga lumang uniform ko?

Ang kulit nga naman ng tao. Mapang-husga. Speaking of which, naalala ko tuloy ung chocolate crinkles sa may mini-grocery sa baba ng condo ng isa naming best friend ni Kate. One Sunday kasi, after mag-simba eh dumaan kami dun para bumili ng picha. Alam mo na mga matatakaw, naghahanap ng iba pang bibilihin. Eh di un nga, chocolate crinkles. P28. At para sa P28.00 eh ang dami niyang laman. "Hindi masarap", sabay tawa kasi sabay pa namin un sinabi ni Moncia. Pag-dating namin sa bahay eh ung crinkles na un din ang sumalubong sa'min. Bumili pala ung bunsong kapatid niya. Sabi ko nga matatakaw kami, so syempre, hindi rin naming natiis na hindi tikman. Sabay tawa ulit.

Ung crinkles na un, lagi mo nang makikita sa kanila. Malamang naa-out of stock pa un sa mini-grocery kabibili nitong magkakapatid na 'to.

Sabi nga, looks can be deceiving. Nagkalat na unyango, in short. Quoting from manong, kala niya mga desente na nasakay niya, un pala, mga taga-loob rin.

Aniane.

P62.50 lang ung patak ng metro, 100 tuloy ung binigay namin sa kaniya.

writer's block..

..rin ba ang tawag kung bago ka humarap sa MS Word eh flooded ka ng ideas sabay pag click mo sa "new" eh biglang ung thoughts mo ung na-flood, as in washed away?

Ugh.

sa'n na nga ba?

Miss na kita.

"Asa'n ka?"

'Yan lagi una mong tanong na medyo nakasanayan ko na, kaya minsan pag tumatawag ka, pagka-pindot ng "receive" button, automatic ko nang sasabihin ung kinaroroonan ko.

Ako naman magtatanong sa'yo niyan.

Asa'n ka na?

Naalala ko nanaman ung mga araw na kada ring ng cellphone ko eh panigurado ako eh ikaw un. Naalala ko nanaman ung mga gabing walang tulugan at walang babaan ng telepono. Naalala ko ung mga gabi na nakabalot pa ko ng kumot na tumatayo sa labas ng bahay dahil walang signal sa loob. Nagagalit ka pa 'pag naririnig mo na umuulan. "Asan ka? Huwag ka mag-sinungaleng. Pumasok ka nga sa loob. Ai ang kulet. Magagalit ako. Isa.." Naalala ko ung mga pag-tawag ko sa'yo 'pag worship na sa service kasi 'di ka naka-attend. Naalala ko ung mga sagutan natin sa blog. Naalala ko lahat ng iyak na ginawa ko kasi hindi kita mahanap, ni hindi makausap. Naalala ko ung mga lingon ko kakahanap sa'yo. Naalala ko ung bigla ka na lang napdaan sa harap ko, papunta ka ng LRT 2, Legarda station ts ako nasa sasakyan, papunta ng concert na tribute sa APO Hiking Society. Hindi ako naka-imik nun. Gusto kong bumaba at habulin ka para yakapin ka pero wala akong nagawa.Nanatili akong yelo sa kinauupuan ko. Naalala ko ung hating-gabi na kumain tayo sa McDo kasama si Daisy , galing tayo sa meeting ng Team Creative. Hindi rin tayo naka-imik nung tinanong niya tayo kung ano tayo o kung may "past" tayo. Siya lang naman ung isa sa mga tao na pinahahalagahan ko ng sobra. Sobra sobra. Yun lang naman ung gusto ko isigaw no'n. Naalala ko ung mga paglakad sa araneta at ung pag-try natin manood ng UAAP last year. Naalala ko ung Fire Floss at ung guava juice. Naalala ko ung pag-sakay natin sa "roller coaster" sa Fiesta Carnival. Naalala ko ung pag-sama ko kay mommy mo sa ospital para bantayan si daddy mo. Naalala ko ung pag-bantay ko sa'yo sa ospital. October 13, 2006 un. Friday. Sobrang lakas ng ulan ts ang sama ng pakiramdam mo. Ang arte mo nga nun, eh. Susunduin kita dapat sa bahay pero ayaw mo. Tawag ako ulit matapos ang isang oras, sabi mo, "Ba't andiyan ka pa? Kala ko susunduin mo ko?" Haay. Hanggang ngayon, ganiyan ka pa rin ka-arte.

At hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita.

Titgilan ko na ba ang pagtanong kung nasa'n ka? At titigilan ko na rin ba ang pag-intay ng tanong mo na 'yan?

"ano? may nalaglag na ube?"

Two years ago, Analyical Chemistry class, Sir Cuarto. Dalwang taon na pero hanggang ngayon tinatawanan pa rin namin yan. Namin – tatlong first year med students, isang marketing assistant, at ako, isa pa ring delingkwente. Kami-kami rin ung magkakatabi no'n.

May nalaglag na ube?

Joke time talaga un. Pa’no, sa gitna ng pagco-compute sa kung ano-anong kemikales eh tama daw kumain ng polboron; nakarating pa yang mga polboron na iyan mula sa’min sa first row hanggang sa last row. Sakto pag-subo ko eh tinawag ako para mag-recite. Timing nga naman. Aack. Sinubukan ko mag-explain gamit ang sign language. Iyan ang nakuhang mensahe ng prof ko: May nalaglag na ube? \

Alangan naming hindi matawa ang buong klase, di ba?

Kagabi, nag-dinner kami ng college friends ko. Gano’n pala talaga pag medyo tapos ka na sa studyante phase. Walang ibang gusto kunid ang pag-kwentuhan ang nakaraan na para bang ang tanda tanda niyo na. Hanggang ngayon eh hindi ma-maliw ang hagikgik pag nak-kwento yan. Walong buwan nang nakararaan o higit pa nung huli kong narining yan. Pa’no, after ng graduation, pahirapan na magka-kitaan. Kaniya-kaniya, in short.

Marami-rami ring naipon na katatawanan no’n. Andiyan ung bigla na lang aapoy ung chemistry lab. Andiyan ung bigla na lang mangangamoy Lucky Me pancit canton ung lab. Pati ung mga endemic na diarrhea pag malapit na ang submission ng mga lab manual, at ung mga biglang nagiging “shy type” pag recitation – ung tipong pag tinanong ka ng prof, “Why is homeostasis irrelevant to the topic of DNA chromatography as a basis for genealogy?” eh ang masasabi mo na lang eh, “Yes ma’m”.

Ang sarap balikan ng mga araw nang pag-tambay sa shed, ang pag-kain at pagkain sa cafeteria, sa walang sawang pag-plano sa pagb-boycott sa prof na hindi matuloy-tuloy, tsaka na rin sa mga gabing walang tulugan para sa short exam o long quiz; sa mga one-night thesis, ang box office na pila pag enrollment at mas box office na pila sa mga photocopy-han pag malapit na ang exam[na walang sawang tinatawag na seroks]; ang pagpa-pasa-pasa ng lab gown pag inspection, ang pagd-disect ng palaka, pusa, daga, manok at kung ano-ano pang supposedly eh gumagalaw na bagay ng walang gloves, ang pag-gawa ng Harada-Mori culture at parasitology slides ng walang mask; mag overnight review kuno na nauuwi sa panonood ng mga pelikula na may singkit.

Ang sarap balikan ng college life. De-allowance. Hatid-sundo. Walang ibang iniintindi kundi ang pag-pasa sa mga exam. Masarap, pero ok na ung isang beses lang. Hahaha. Sabi ko nga, kung ikaw ung studyante na tulog o nagla-lakwatsa sa gabi bago mag exam eh parang between life and death na ang situasyon.

Pa’no minsan eh kahit ilang gabi kang hindi matulog eh 18/70 pa rin ang grado mo sa exam. Bagsak ka na nga, andiyan pa ung mga eye bags mo na ‘di na lumiit-liit. Andiyan rin ung thesis mo na hindi mo na alam kung saang library ka pa kukuha ng reference materials eh pag-balik sa’yo eh may malaking “REVISE” na nakasulat. At ang Krebs cycle na hanggang ngayon eh hindi mo ma-figure out. Hindi rin maubos-ubos ung mga prof mo na parang pinanganak para pahirapan ka. Naku naman talaga.

Pero ngayon, madalas, pag di ko na laam kung saan ko kukunin ung pang-bayad sa meralco, pang-bayad sa nawasa, at pang bayad ng apartment eh gusto ko na lang maging ung studyante na un na pinagpapawisan ng malamig sa gitna ng exam.

insufferable

Talks most intimate begin with unvoiced conversations. The soul lingers for the most soothing absence of voice. You sense. You hear best when there's not much to be filtered. You just hear. You just understand. You kill talking skills. You listen. The mouth shuts and everything just begins to work. Undivided attention to every moment, every word, every sound.

No interruptions. No scripts.

You go for gut feel.

fame

Me: whatever Friend

Me: :))

Friend: =))

Me: Friend

Friend: yup

Me: i want to be someone famous

Me: :))

Friend: ngik

Friend: demanda mo si gloria

Friend: ;))

Me: over-rated

Me: other suggestions?

Me: :))

Me: basta i want to be someone famous

Friend: e di si raul gonzales

Me: no idea pa kung saan or how

Friend: hehehe

Me: :))

Friend: write a book ;)

Me: sasabihin ko dapat, "you're not taking me seriously"

Me: :D

Friend: ngik

Friend: i just did, didnt i

Me: :D

Me: i suddenly felt excited again

Friend: :D


**

Yes. I want to be someone famous.

I want to have fans, that sort of drama.

Hahaha.

I actually mean it.

lg question of the night

What's the difference between TRUE and REAL?

dogma

Why is it so hard to break from routines?

It's hard to let go of things that you've gotten used to. That's why it's hard when people leave. That's the reason why break-ups are so harsh. That's the reason why you miss places you've spent three days and two nights on. That's the same reason for addiction. That's the exact, same reason why it's sad when telenovelas end.

It's hard to miss things. It's hard to let go of comfort.

cornflake girl

Hey there Big Guy,

I know I've been a big disappointment. I’ve always been.

You see, I often try to be with You, but more often than not I seem to get lost along the way. I was a half-sheep (if a cooked one, medium rare). Only stupid and dull and not exactly obedient.

You know what I think I am? Some voodoo doll of yours who’s trying oh-so-hard to get out of the story. Someone who’s desperately trying to be smart and someone who has the delusion of being brilliant. Yes, I perceive You as reality, and You’re the only Someone whom I perceive as reality for that matter, but the thing is, I seem to love my imaginary world where I seem to take control of things. And right now, everything’s just a mess. It’s like the morning after one big party with nicotine and alcohol and balloons and all.

I think it’s very funny of You to give me this gift of messing my self and things up.

It looks like I’ve slipped somewhere again.

And right now, I guess I’m still under coma - between the party and the morning after. I don’t know what to do. No, I know what to do but the thing is, I can’t wake-up. I don’t know if I’m ready to wake up. I don’t even know if I want to wake up right now. I’m paralyzed. And I’m sorry.

things are getting kind of gross
and i go at sleepy time
this is not really happening
you bet your life it is
Tori Amos

frustrations and conversations with the self

I think I've misplaced my soul.

The thing with being an irony of being apathetic and highly emotional at the same time? It's madness.It's like chasing some memory. No, make it chasing some memory of something that never existed. What if my soul's just something I imagine to have? And how would one now that the soul's lost if, without the soul, one can't feel anything?

It's not sadness then, more of an idea of frustration. Like logical nostalgia.

i'm guessing that this is due to sheer boredom too

Most people I know were stricken by this thing called love. Or so
I think. Or so they think.

The Crush. I have this friend whom, lately, has been a source of amusement of this person whom we shall call, "The Crush". He's sort of kinikilig and is going back to the ancient practices of the "collegiala" (Yeah, you're not getting me wrong. My he friend is a collegiala. And mind you he's not gay, he's just really some collegiala inside.). Now they're sort of going out and I'm sort of terribly missing that person whom I enjoy drinking with. (And the kuwento. Oh man.)

Love that's sort of lost. One friend seems to have her "love life" tricked by mysticism. She has mastered the art of staring at blank walls and has drunk every alcoholic drink she can get ahold of. Quoting from her, "I'm miserable. And dying."

Cheese Decays. Due to sheer boredom, and after I disagreed to identify what "love is", Aden and I threw some "cheesy lines from songs" yesterday (Yeah, that's our lazy Sunday afternoon there.) , making me download songs by ate Shawee.

What's with the moon in Leo?

I think I'd get some sleep for a few hours more.

bagong tulog

Now my mind is constantly drifting to feelings that are unseen. Sleep is terrible in keeping people sane. It often brings me to things that I don't think should even be spoken of, like the haunting past and the much more haunting future; the scary and the lovely - the unknown. They're too beautiful to be ruined by the mind.

There's this thing about sleep that makes you feel tired, more of makes you realize how beaten up your body actually is. I mean, it's crazy. You go to sleep and defy the purpose of it after doing so, like sleeping off a headache then waking up with another headache which one gets as a result of over-sleeping
(Yeah, when one has a headache, no matter how long one sleeps, it doesn't seem to be enough.)

Another terrible thing about sleep (or after sleep, technically speaking) - it makes one feel more alone, and I think that that's one powerful word there. It's like starving the soul.

Now that's terrible and difficult and sad.

I think I'll just stay awake for a while.

error

I'm bored.

And I have this theory:

Boredom is not the absence of activity - it is the absence of the ability to choose a certain activity. Not option paralysis, more of the willingness to be paralyzed.

I'm sedated and my mind's not functioning.

OA. Sore eyes lang yan.

My eyes are trying to take control of my body.

I have a pair of jealous eyes. They want me to see them and them alone, and they only want to see me and me alone. Now they're driving people away. They want other people to be mad at me for staying near them. They want me not to go to work. They're crying for my attention, wanting me to attend to every need of theirs. Their allies are engulfing every matter that try to rape them both.

Now one by one my body parts are disintegrating.

Having eyes that are so spoiled, they're beginning to rot.

I'm beginning to rot.

Nightmares. Can't go back to sleep. Scared.

Lots of dogs, wanting and waiting to rip my body; several street kids who look like Japanese dolls, asking for things inside my pocket - as if they know everything in there; several old trees that resemble those from Alice in Wonderland; and some white "gas" that looks like some twisted wire, like those that bind your spring notebooks, ready to take over my body.

5418868000003378

Ring. Ring.

The oh-so-familiar voice is there again.

Hunting.

Trying to trick you.

Trying to grab your wits.

A bunch of codes then..

She's in.

There you are, hating her. But then again you can't do anything but obey every single command of hers. Every second you get shaky, as if she'll consume you if you haven't provided her with all her needs.

More than consume, actually.

You can't help but be manipulated by the sort of unseen speaker. Even extra careful with the words you're about to say.

You want the conversation to be over, and the least thing that you want to happen is for her to be mad.

No.

You wouldn't want that.

Alas.

"Would there be anything else, Ms. Clinton?"

"Nahh. That's it."

Click.

Several minutes past four in the morning. Last Saturday of May.

Then she's gone.

And damn.

Would you miss her so.

ode to the ro

Pilit tinatakpan
Pumanaw na hagikgik
‘Di sadiyang naitapon
Balot ng belong itim

Tulirong mga mata
Ipinako sa tabi
Sa lilang yelo
Pilit hinahanapan ng init

Ulirat na walang maliw na tumatakbo
Yakap sa balabal na hindi alam kung kailan huhubarin
(Gusto nga bang hubarin, bangkay na payaso?)
Lumilipad sa kahapon
At sa mga maaring sana naging

Umaasang magising sa isang katotohanan
Na kaya mo nang yakapin.

just when i was leaving the salon

Yeah, I feel the same way.

one time big time (bago pumunta sa up fair)

Mahal kita.

At kahit ilang ulit, ilang tanong, pagbalibaligatrin man nila ako eh yan lang masasabi ko.

Mahal kita.

Ang kulit kung pano tayo nagkakilala. Pano nagkita. pano naging.. ganito.

Mahal kita.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan naging ganito ang situasyon. hindi ko alam kung titigil ako sa pagiging ganito. Hindi ko alam kung tadhana nga bang matatawag o sadiyang napaglaruan lang ng panahon, ng situasyon, o ni Bathala. Pero ito, pinaniniwalaan ko ito..

Mahal kita.

At kahit ilan pa siguro ang mag-rebuke sa'kin na hindi ko naman talaga naiintindihan kung bakit, ito lang ang masasabi ko at ito pa rin ang paulit-ulit na sasabihin ko.

Mahal kita.

Ganu'n ka-simple. Ganu'n kadali.

Ganu'n nga ba?

Kaya lang naman nagiging komplikado ang mga bagay bagay eh dahil rin do'n.. Dahil kung hindi kita mahal, kung ano-ano na siguro nagawa ko. Simple lang siguro ang mga bagay-bagay.

Mahal kita.

Pero malamang mas mahal ko Siya.

Mas mahal mo rin Siya.

At isa iyon sa mga dahilan kung bakit hahayaan ko ang sarili ko na mahalin ka.

musings of a (non-)cigarette smoking (wo)man

It's already 2 in the morning. I'm frigging awake. Parasitology class starts at 7. Now I'm just another mindless zombie lulled to wake. I hate this. I hate wanting to want to sleep. I hate having to have to sleep.

Darn it.

Jan 17, '07 11:01 PM

Grab my wrist and slit it there
Took Your blood, did not let it stare
Made it shout
Allow I feel
I’ll guard my heart
Purify for Thee
Do the lead and see me through
Drain me down
Clean me up
Stitch me, please, once more anew.

Jan 17, '07 12:50 PM

All hallucinations let them cease,
For darkest music is lull to my ear.
Whatever is true, allow it to un-blind me.
The dance of tragedy seems poetic, You see.
Spare me again from the lion’s den,
Return my breath, for this I can’t bear.
Once more my death here I lay,
Push me forth away that lovely grave.