Monday, November 3, 2008

adik

Kasama nang isang malaking buntong hininga
Ay talilikuran kita;
Oo nga't mga gabi nati'y naging masaya
Dulot naman nito'y nagbabadyang sakuna.

Kasama nang isang malaking buntong hininga
Ay tatahimik muna ako;
Ayaw nang gulo, iwas sa atraso
Itutuwid ko ang buhay ko.

Kasama nang isang malaking buntong hininga
Ay isang mas malaking ngiti;
Masakit man ang lahat nang ngayon
Tatawanan rin ito bandang huli.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

..and no, this is not sentence construction 101

Trike. I was on a trike. I was on a green trike. I was on a green trike and the streets were flooded. Even the water was green. Eew. I was on a green trike and the streets were flooded with green water. Eew. Eew. Eew.

Eew.

Landline. I called. I called you. When I was on the green trike I called you. When I was on the green trike treading the green water I called you using our landline. When I was on the green trike treading on the green water I called you using our landline and we talked. Talk. We talked. We talked when I called you. We talked when I called you using our landline. And you should be happy. Happy. You should be happy. You should be happy cause we talked. You should be happy cause we talked after I called you. You should be happy cause we talked after I called you using our landline when I was on the green trike treading on the green water.

But no.

Left. You left me. You left me while we were talking. You left me while we were talking after I called you. You left me when we were talking after I called you using our landline. But before that I got off the trike that’s green that treaded on the green water. Then you left me. That was after I got off the green trike from where we talked after I called you using our landline. Anger. I felt anger. I felt anger when you left me. I was angry after you left me. I was angry after you left me when we were talking. I was angry cause you left me when we were talking after I called you. I was using our landline then.

Explain. You explained. You were explaining. You were explaining why you left me after I called you. You were explaining why you left me while we were talking after I called you and after I got off the green trike that treaded the green water. Call wait stuff. “And besides, I came back. Am here now.”, your ingenious additional reply. That’s not the issue. And wait, do I even believe you? You were explaining why you left me while we were talking after I called you using our landline and after I got off the green trike that treaded the green water when someone knocked on and opened the door then the lights and said,

Almusal na. Bangon na diyan.”

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

and yet another weird dream

I had to borrow one kiao from my ex just to buy your meds. Dirt poor? Maybe. I have no idea. I've got nowhere else to run to for the money. Besides who would hand me such amount in a hold-up-like manner? All I wanted at that time was for you to be ok. I think up to this second that's all I want. You to be ok.

Last night you were sick again, although last night was different. Same heart condition, but what happened was different. I think it was.

We were in some forgotten alley in QC, around 5pm if I'm not mistaken. Usual dusky mood. We got to talk this time and I don't know what your ailment got to do with this. My future? You were always concerned with what would happen to me. What should happen to me. I think it's only then that I've realized how much I miss it when you say, "When we're together we'll be..". I used to hate that, but last night I was just sparkly-eyed. I can't remember a single word you said though.

Thoughts were swimming. I'm really planning to stay with you. Us to be together. As in for good. Am only 22 and I've got much more to learn. I know there's too much emotion - what I've said - and logic should be involved but like what I've told you earlier, I know what I want. You know me. I stand by my decisions. In a nutshell I love you and I want you to be mine. As in for good.

Did I just make these thoughts talk? In drunk-like fashion? Again?

"Be careful for what you wish for, it might come true." was all I heard from you. Oh yeah. That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you at that very moment.

I don't know what's happening with us and I don't want to talk like I just came home from Taking Back Sunday's gig. You know how praning I can get.

Dumb founded. I just stared at my bowl and continued to eat in silence. I dunno where the bowl of rice with corned beef came from. It was cold but tasted good when we mashed spiders in it. With it. Whatever.

In case you ask, I forgot what you were wearing, so.. No. You can't tell me "hey, that's what I'm wearing right now" and yes, everything's still blurred.

Well I know it's kind of late, I hope I didn't wake you..

Thursday, April 17, 2008

xxx

i miss you and it feels terrible when i don't get to talk to you and it feels worse when there's nothing i can do.

i've read somewhere that love is an outrage, transformation, hallucination, and madness.

i guess right now i'm outraged, transformed, hallucinating, and mad.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

ack.

I don’t know which would be more frustrating – not remembering anything or trying to bring back memories? Of course both in futility.

I think I’m scared of growing old because it’ll take me much farther from memories. I think I’ll hate it when I have to eat up my words about “regrets are just a waste of time”. I think I’ll hate it too when time comes that I have to use the phrase “those were the days”. To point out the obvious, what’s more frustrating is that try as you may, there’s absolutely no way to make those memories neither alive nor back. Funny how happy thoughts can make one sad.

That can be the same reason why I’m scared of having Alzheimer’s.

Disclaimer: All these marriages and deaths and birthdays and the Velvet Dream Pop album induced these thoughts.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Sunday Sirens

Photobucket

I wonder what his dreams are

Photobucket

Yes, we'll help you have a bright future.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

katrina

swell. i was looking for pictures of you. trying to remember you. trying to recall how you were when you were still.. trying to see how you looked like with that heavy make-up. is that a blue sequined gown? oh god. what the..

trying to picture you on that glassed thing. can we see your whole body? or would it be just the upper half? why not make it the lower half? mahogany? narra? brass? is that your choice of urn? classy. jade. nice. nice.

wait. why am i so moved with your funeral? and what is this bed sheet doing here?

oh.

Monday, February 11, 2008

If women were pets,

we would have been cats.

When a cat makes lambing, its sweeter - kasi they don't usually do it.

I miss my cat. I miss its furry body and its smell that reminds me to have it bathed. I miss its distinct air of sophistication and its refusal of negligence. I miss Rar badly :(

He was here when everything seemed strange and not quite right. We would often end up in habulan till we were both exhausted, then we'll talk. Nice conversation. Him and his human.

He'd often cry in the middle of the night. Somehow he knows that I'm just there, awake and troubled too. He'd stare at me while I go though pages and pages of books like Cell Biology and MorphoAna. If only he knew that my block mates and I and tons of scientists were responsible for the death of his family.

I miss how its stare manipulates me. I miss how it makes me do things without even asking me to do so. Rar abandoned our home a few days after I left. Either he missed me, or he knew what was really happening.

Something tells me that that cat was me.

And now he's just nowhere to be found.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

This is

one of those mornings when I don't feel like talking but have a lot to say. Can't construct the sentences, things just flowing out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

Monday, February 4, 2008

kill the mood swings

These mood swings are killing me. Been having it since I have no idea when, but the past few days had been pretty awful (wow, pretty and awful). Can't even write about things - the second an idea comes, half of my crammed brain contradicts the other half. A dialogue on it's own and I'm not even part of it.

Madness.

Monday, January 28, 2008

juan


Ang laki-laki mo na.

'Yan ang madalas na marinig ko sa mga reunion. Lagi-lagi na lang, na parang nagugulat ang mga nakatatanda na hindi na kami ung mga sanggol na kinakarga-karga nila, o ung batang uto-uto na hinahalik-halikan nila kapalit ng kendi.

Na para bang sila lang ung tumatanda.

Aray.

Kwento ng nanay ko, nung bata daw ako, hindi ako umiiyak pag iniiwanan sa school; 'di kagaya nung mga bata na mawala lang sa paningin ang yaya eh humahagulgol na. Hindi din daw ako mahilig umiyak 'pag umaalis sila at yaya lang ang kasama ko sa bahay. Sia pa daw ung naiiyak 'pag naiisip niya na iiwanan niya 'ko. Naman. Kailan ko natutunan na masakit palang iwanan, kung gano'n? Kailan ko nga ba nalaman na hindi lahat nadadaan sa Hi-C at Hi-Ro?

Kanina hinatid ko ung kapatid kong mas bata sa may gate. May duty sa ospital. Tulog pa kasi ung maid kaya ako muna taga-lock. Pasado alas-kuwatro pa lang, ah. Sa loob-loob ko. Maaga pa. Hindi ba delikado?

Maaga pa. Teka, wala pa tayong bente-kuwatro oras magkasama. Weekends nga lang ako umuuwi dito, aalis ka na ka'gad?

Maaga pa. Tara, mag-laro muna tayo. Monopoly? Scrabble? Tong-its? Pusoy dos? O2 jam? Naalala mo ung power pusoy? Ung super-power-pusoy-dos-its? Biernes santo nung nakaraang taon natin na-imbento un. Wala si mama, kumpleto tayong magkakapatid dito; kasama rin natin ung boyfriend ni ate tsaka ang paborito nating pinsan.

Maaga pa. Kumain ka na ba? Almusal muna tayo. Kape? Naalala ko ung mga gabi na sabay tayo nagpupuyat para sa school. Naalala ko ung mga merienda natin pag bakasyon, o kaya pag kumpleto tayong magkakapatid. Ako ung taga-brew ng kape, ikaw ung taga-bili ng merienda o kaya si ate magluluto, o kaya pag tinatamad ka eh ung bunsong kapatid natin ang napagdi-disketahan natin utusan. Naalala ko rin nung ikaw pa ung bunso. Ewan ko ba kung ba't hindi tayo magka-sundo-sundo dalawa no'n. Habulan sa hagdan, kurutan, pati boxing natutunan ko dahil sa'yo. Lahat na yata nang sakitan. Pati ung pag-tulak mo sa'kin sa hagdan, naalala ko pa. Iyak ako ng iyak no'n, plakda sa garahe. Natatawa na lang ako ngayon. Ang sagwa kung gano'n pa rin tayo, no? Buti na lang hindi na. Ayaw na ayaw kitang nakikita dati. Umiinit ulo ko. 'Di ko akalain, mami-miss rin pala kita.

Maaga pa. Mag-kwentuhan muna tayo. Kamusta ka na?

Ang laki-laki mo na.

Monday, January 21, 2008

galle.

Awaken me from supposed sweet slumber

Let my passion once more arise

To You I'll cling and run and stay and die

Fill me with You -

Save me from this supposed life.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

day 6

Shadows. Lots and lots of shadows. Chasing. One by one chasing. Haunting.

I want some water.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

tatay stuff

It's my dad's birthday next week. How come I'm not excited?

When I was a kid, we'd often have those dinner bash to celebrate that. Food would be overflowing, and to say that the cases of beer would be overflowing would be such an understatement. There'd be a banner hanging in the middle of our ground floor sala, "Happy Birthday Boss James", in bold, and every employee and friend would sign it. He'd have friends over our Sct. Gandia home and they'd have great food and greater amounts of alochol to celebrate his birthday, with people who calls him boss. Friends were an important factor in his life, you see. I guess it's hereditary and very much evident.

Everyone was happy.

And yeah, we've had family dinners too, although I can't exactly remember every birthday dinner 'cause he brought us out a lot.

Now I'd have to think of some new way to celebrate his birthday this year, aside from the dinner.

It's been almost five years. I'm still wishing he didn't die that time.

I guess I'd have to celebrate with some grabbed memory

Thursday, January 10, 2008

about last night,

We were having dinner. It was a nice one. A nice dinner with him.

Nice should be relative. It's supposed to be relative. How come I know (or I knew) that the dinner was nice when it was the first time I've had dinner with him? I mean dinner with them.

Supposedly there were 7 of them, minus him. How come I only saw a couple or three of them? But I'm certain there were seven of them there. I know I had dinner with eight.

I can't recall what we were talking about, though.

Sad.

But I know I had dinner with them. Funny that he actually fit in that tree house. He did actually fit well in that table intended for 7. And the chair. Ooh. That tiny chair. With all that jolly-ness and beard? Not to mention the belly and the red felt-like, uhm, clothes? Hah. Yeah. He did fit well.

How come Grumpy wasn't so grumpy when he was there? Was Grumpy there? He should've been there. I know the seven of them were complete. Yeah. Grumpy was there. And Sneezy. And Doc. Can't remember the other names, though. Maybe I would remember all seven names if we'd have dinner again later.

And yeah, maybe Santa would be there again.

Monday, January 7, 2008

langdetan

I just noticed something. People rant when they can't find anything to talk about - they find things to complain about. We find things to complain about. Is that even healthy?

People seem to have a habit of whining.

Does the grumbling kind actually assume that their thoughts are more profound than the thoughts of a sunny-ly dispositioned person?

Terrible. Terrible.