Because today is a palindrome

At ang puso ay muling nabigo
Tinalikuran ng pag-asa
Kinalimutan ng ligaya.

Ang pusong pinagkaitan ng ngiti,
Na sabik sa saliw ng tugtuging matamis

Ang pusong umaasa
Na patuloy kinukutya,
Ang puso na patuloy na nagluluksa

Ay ang syang puso na pinuno ng pait;

Dahil ang pusong nagmahal, ay ang pusong nasawi.

And my heart skipped a {little} bit of a beat

And my heart skipped a {little} bit of a beat
Knowing that you are here
And that I am first on your thoughts
In the morning when you wake up
And in the evening, when you wake up a second time.

‘Cause my heart skips a bit
Gets too excited to beat
When it remembers you are mine
And you are just around all the time.

And my heart will continue to beat
‘Cause you’re the one I want to live with
The man I want to spend my life for
And be happy with, yonder more.

QC Earthquake July 26, 2011

Minutes ago Eastwood was rattled by yet another earthquake. Sources say it had a magnitude of 5.9. Roughly three months ago, we had a 5.2 shake.

Oh Gaia. Does it mean we have to get used to this?

Caramoan Island, Bicol - Surviving the Peninsula, Literally

Content was moved to http://www.wheninmanila.com/caramoan-island-bicol-surviving-the-peninsula-literally/ - Paula de los Reyes

Happy un-birthday to everyone! (Except to Karl Marx and I)

Happy un-birthday to everyone else!

Of MAJAM Jazz Trio and Sky Lanterns

Since the movie Tangled, I've been dazed by sky lanterns. I feel like a gamo gamo, mystified by such sight. And since then, I've occupied myself with researching on how I could get my hands (or eyes) on these pretty little things. Either I go to Thailand in November, for the Yi Peng festival, or buy ready made sky lanterns online.

Or we can make some. Saw this on the almighty web.

How to Make Paper Lanterns

Reg and Cor, up for a project?

On the other side of myself, here's the most awesome version
of Bahay Kubo ever.

(That's my tito on bass, I just had to say.)

PutoPau History

Amused to see these from my old multiply site (yes, when I was in college there was only multiply. after friendster.)

Jan 19, '07 11:26 AM

Lure me to Your un-shallow grave
Thy blood, let flow
Cover me with grace
Your glory fall
My tragedy wash
“All is forgotten”,
You said, “It is done.”
Pierce my heart
Replace it with new
Soften my soul
Let it be passionate for You
To Thee for all I do rely
Stir me more
I surrender my life.

Kelvin Yan

Happy birthday mr Chinese guy. The moon's yours now, but just for today, ha? It's mine again tomorrow.

But this one's yours . The second installation of the Kelvin Yan poetry series:

here's to another year
let's add one more toast
just have happy thoughts today
all the bad ones we will roast

(Listen to Fairground Attraction's The Moon Is Mine. Please adopt it as
your birthday song siree.) xxo

right here, right now

two things:

1. I wish someone could bring me some takoyaki from Kozui
2. I miss Kelvin Yan

xxo from putopau with love

hey there, sinister.

"Come", sings my drunken soul

"Don't you dare delay.

We'll fly to pasts and mundane nights,

I'll take you on a sway."

"Come heed those nights of absolute loneliness in greed

We'd lust through joy in pink striped things

Why be sad and weep?"

“Come, I beg for you to go

I pray your eyes un-blind

Come and smell more days of joy

The fart of bitterness long trashed aside”

qc earthquake

2:32 AM I felt my second earthquake for this year. I'm guessing it's something like intensity 4 or 5. Thought it was just having another vertigo episode. ok we have to evacuate now bye

Here's to PLM med 2011. And I can't say this without a twitch.

Was able to keep some photos from classes back in college. My officemate said, "ang sarap siguro mag bio", and I'd have to agree. Pag walang exam.

In memory of my pangarap to go to med school. Here's to PLM med 2011.



From bio chem class, kung saan nagiyakan sila bago i-disect ang daga
na inalagaan at binigyan ng controlled diet. At kung saan sinunog ni
kathryn aliño ng buhay ung isa.



Heart, Scanner



Kidney, CS HPO



Kidney, CS LPO



Trichuris trichiura, Female, Scanner
From parasitology class, kung saan wala kayong suot na gloves,
kahit pa ang specimen ay pang harada-mori culture

Je Bautista (1966-2009)

Dear Je,

(I gave in to the pressure of starting my letter with "dear")

I still don't believe that you're gone. I just tried to text you the other day, when a friend of mine had a gig in Conspiracy (around 5 years ago when you asked me to drop by there, your instructions were, it's in Visayas ave, almost right in front of Shell). I invited you. How dare you turn me down?I also e-mailed Gigi, your "roommate". She confirmed that you already passed away. How dare you not let me know? I miss you, ok? You should be telling me things like that, things like passing away. You always tell me things like that. You always tell me things.
I remember.

Like, I remember that Brit guy who speaks fluent Tagalog, I remember your stories of your roommate whom you said crammed while she slept through med school, I remember your excitement when you got your turntable - I remember these things Je. I remember your stories about your daughter, how she excels in playing the bass. I remember the time you were acting like a collegiala with a crush when you were telling me stories of love. You know how pre-med school ate up a lot of my memory but I remember such things. And I remember a lot more.

Like during the times you'd bitbit me on gigs (especially of Shuffle Union's). You'd always tell me music stuff. If there's one person who breathes music, that would be you. You exposed me to real music. You know your music. You never got tired of sending me files that I should listen to. I remember the nights you tirelessly sent files through ym and yousendit, and that time you asked me to drop by and bring an external HDD. You sure know your music man, and you never stereotyped songs to a particular genre (although you were an advocate of punk).

And the endless discussion about politics. Oh god. They just won't end, huh? I remember you telling me that you hate all things structured, that's why you don't like politics nor religion. But you never got tired of ranting about GMA. You were already a bordering Conrado de Quiros then. You'd explain to me what rallies are for, and you'd explain your point of view on what's going on (senate, congress, the whole hullabaloo). If it weren't for you I wouldn't be grounded when GMA used her "emergency powers". I remember you trying to explain why she's wrong, why her cronies should go to jail, and why everything's so hopeless. You never believed in our government. That's when my interests and curiosity got developed, you know that? I admired your passion. I loved hearing your insights.

There's this time that we've talked for hours because I was under this delusion that I want to be someone famous. I remember your reaction - ngik. Then you advised me "demanda mo si gloria", which turned to "e di si raul gonzales" because I thought suing GMA was overrated . Then you told me to write a book just before I was supposed to tell you that you're not taking me seriously. You actually convinced me that I can get famous by writing a book (although fame's not really your thing). I miss you man.

Remember the books you've asked me to read? I have them in my collection now so I won't spend as much time as I used to looking through your shelf. And I've made Sionil my favorite. And I've read Dogma over and over again. I've discovered other writers too. They're unpretentious and I can't wait to tell you about them.

I remember that birthday of mine we spent together. That dates back to our Kolumn Bar and siomai in Jade Valley days. Shuffle Union had a birthday gig for Mae, but you were kind enough to say that the celebration was also for me. You even bought some pansit (It wasn't Poncianas but it's that store beside it in Sct. Torillo. I think it's something like Lolo Tebans but I'm not really sure. I know I'm supposed to remember things like that, I'm sorry. Just blame it on genetics). You asked me to just spend the night at your place, since it was already very late. Of course I was hesitant, but you promised that you won't do me any harm. I slept well that night, I remember. I guess it was like a "dad" was watching over me again. Although of course, you were too young to be my dad. The day after, we went to this CD sale in Timog Ave. You decided not to take a bath because I didn't. I think you said something like, isipin mo na lang, hippie tayo. After a Jollibee treat while waiting for Mae, and the others, you bought me a Jars of Clay CD. The person who doesn't believe in the church actually bought me a praise and worship CD. I was moved. And hey, even if my spiritual phase has passed, I still listen to that CD when I miss you.

I've met you in that time when my ideals meant the world to me. I remember you telling me that my ideal phase was just a phase, and that "it shall come to pass". I didn't believe you then. I believe you now. And I wish you're still around now, to assure me that my being cynical about most things is also just a phase. That it's just plain pragmatism.

There are a lot of things I could talk about, but they don't really matter now, you see. I miss you Je. I wish I could knock on that apartment door again, popcorn in hand, expecting you to open the door, inviting me in for some Jack Daniels and cigarettes. I miss your stories man. Whenever I see a photo of Comic Book Guy, I still remember you. You and your worship for the internet. You in that jacket that you never got tired of wearing.

I wish we had one last round of drinks before you left, a final toast. As if warning me that you won't be around for a while. We'll have drinks, talk like we used to talk, smoke like we used to smoke, do what we used to do. There will be silence every now and then, but they won't be awkward pauses. And in the morning, after all the drinks have been drank, after all cigarettes have been smoked, I'll hug you tight then I'll let you know that I'll miss you, and you'll tell me that you'll feel the same way. And that you'll take care.

xoxo

PS I'm sorry if this took a while. And I'm sorry if I wasn't able to go to your wake. I think you know naman that my heart was crushed when I found out about you going somewhere else. Then again, I guess it's also better that way, so I can simply think that you're just really somewhere else. I'll pretend to be ignorant of your demise. One day we'll meet again, yes?

holga shots

Our dining table. My first long exposure shot.



Tagaytay. Using a 110 film.



Jun Utleg in the V Mapa Station of LRT 2. Using a 120 film.

Monday, October 9, 2006

Me: Uhmm, Death? Can you please stop
embracing me? Thanks.

Death: Oh.. Sorry. Am I choking you?

Me: I guess you're supposed to do that. You're
Death, remember?

Death: Oh yeah. Sorry.

Me: No prob. I hope you won't mind moving away
too.

Death: Sorry. Ok. Am I too close? Sorry.

Me: You're always saying sorry. You're starting to
annoy me.

Death: Am I? Err.. Sorry. Oh shucks. Sorry again.
Argh. Sorry.

Me: And why do you keep on apologizing?

Death: Sor.. Err..

Me: You aren't supposed to be polite, right?

Death: . . .

Death: How should someone like me if I'm not?

Me: Are we supposed to like you?

Death: Don't you?

Me: . . .

Death: Darn it. I knew it wasn't working.

Me: You're tricking me again.

Death: Nahh.. That's just how I am. If I won't lure
you to my empty space.. Is there a filled space?
Well, anyway, if I won't tempt you to like me, then I
wouldn't be Death at all.

Me: You've got a point.

Death: Coffee?

Me: Sure. Wait..

Death: I prefer coco. Caffeine's bad for my neurons
and axons and dendrites. And add peanut butter.
Thanks.

Me: You add peanut butter on coco?

Death: Don't you? That's weird.

Me: Wait, I'm not supposed to like you.

Death: Why?

Me: Should I?

Me: You killed my Savior.

Death: Correction. Technically, I attempted to kill
Him.

Death: He's too strong. I just couldn't. He makes
me tremble. He's so filled with love.

Me: It's so odd for you to remind me that. More of
bizarre that I have to be reminded of that by you.

Death: Think so?

Me: Yeah.

Death: I wish He died for me too.

Me: Didn't He?

Death: He wouldn't be nailed on the cross if it
weren't for me. And if it weren't for you. More of,
bacause of us but not for us. Just for you, because
of me. Something like that.

Death: I wish He saved me too..

Me: You wouldn't be Death then.

Death: It's frustrating. Believe me. And sad.

Me: If He saved you, would you be called Life?

Death: You haven't met him yet?

Me: So there's this.. Err.. Entity called Life, too?

Death: So you haven't met him.

Death: I'm much kind than him. Life is too harsh.
He's ruthless.

Me: That I can comprehend.

Death: I still wish He saved me,too. I'm still hoping
that He'll save me..

Me: When I talk to Him, I'll mention that.

Death: Isn't it that I have to die first for me to
receive His grace? That's what I have read in the
Bible. You have to die to your self, your desires.

Me: You read the Bible?

Death: I thought I've made it clear that I have an
affinity for Thy Savior. It's in Romans.

Me: Where did you get your Bible? Which reminds
me.. I guess I forgot where I placed mine.

Death: . . .

Death: Sorry.

Me: I've been looking for that for so long!

Death: You have?

Death: You didn't even notice it's gone.

Me: Stalker.

Death: Anyway, I said it's on Romans.

Me: That's true.

Death: New creation. New life, but not Life. He's
horrid, I think I've mentioned that earlier.

Death: Uhm, hey.. Can you please help me die?

The last time

I had a cray whim and said that, "I want to be someone famous", Je told me that I should "write something".

Now that i want to go to the broadway centrum to watch Eat Bulaga live and Je is no longer around.. What do i do?

Jun Utleg at the Conspiracy Bar and Cafe, Visayas Ave QC

Conspiracy Bar and Cafe Visayas Ave, QC - Friends from Baguio and Manila were serenaded by no less than Jun Utleg last September 4, 2009. Manong Jun, as he is fondly called in Baguio, his hometown, is known for the heartwarming and chart topping song "Igorota". His album, named after the said single, also includes "Ang Bata", and "Meme Na", to name a few. Jun Utleg was a member of Binhi before he became a solo artist.

Here are some photos before the gig.



I'm like a fans lol



Jun Utleg at the Conspiracy Bar and Cafe Visayas Ave, QC
(we just had to take this shot)



Jun Utleg in that Cinemalaya Cinco shirt that I gave.



Jun Utleg changing the strings before the gig

the things you'd realize after cinemalaya cinco

i know, i know. the festival is not yet over.

1. ayaw mong mabuang. talagang ayaw. lalo 'pag conscious ka na baliw ka. effort, man. efffffort.

2. pwedeng i-justify na hindi ka baliw. disturbed ka lang, kamo.

3. ang anthurium ay phallic symbol.

4. importante ang musical score. as in. make or break.

5. 'pag tumalon ka mula sa isang mataas na mataas na lugar dahil ayaw mong marinig ang mga boses sa ulo mo / bumubulong sa'yo, sila lang ang masasaktan / mamamatay. ikaw? ha. hindi ka yata weak.

6. hindi ka weak.

7. kapag nababaliw ka na talaga at itinanggi mo, dalawa lang un:
a. delusional ka
b. denial phase na ito

8. pwede kang magkaro'n ng fans DAHIL (oo, DAHIL at hindi KAHIT) pangit ka.

9. walang dating ang salitang "loser" kumpara sa tagalog counterpart (supposedly) nito na "wala ka pala eh!".

10. rockstar na rockstar ang dating mo kapag bingi ang fan mo.

11. ang piano ay parang ipis. kahit ilang bomba ang sumabog at kahit ilang kamikaze ang dumaan, nananatili itong buhay at buo. yes, buhay ang piano. buhay siya. at nasa tono, take note.

12. ang pagiging diplomatic at pagiging balimbing ay, well, magkaiba.

13. kailangan convincing ang intonation mo kapag sinabi mong, "ay-hab-a-brayt-aidiea!"

14. kailangan naka-pila ka na sa ticketing booth AT LEAST two hours before the show. dahil pag malapit ba ang turn mo para makabili ng ticket eh biglang magc-crash ang pc at kailangan mo tumakbo papunta sa kabilang ticket booth na nasa kabilang palapag. syempre hindi ka lang mag-isa tatakbo. maka-stampede ba. na parang si ping medina ang pinipilahan.

15. malaki ang tulong ng student id. lalo pag pinagkakakitaan mo si kimpot rockstar. (apir sam) (katrine buti may student id ka) 50 pesos per show.

16. malaking tulong rin ang hand dryer 'pag galing ka sa dream theater. pwede pala itong thawing device (see. innovation.)

17. kahit hindi makatarungan ang kalahating styrofoam cup na kape na 60 pesos ay mapabibili ka. take note ulit: equal ang sweetener.

18. pare-pareho nga kayo ng takbo ng utak ng mga kaibigan mo mula sa nakaraan (think grade school and high school). parang biglang may mini reunion sa ccp. na hindi planado. ang kulit rin kasi sa credits mo na nakikita ung iba. wow. parang binaliktad na schadenfreude.

19. cheesy pero totoo. ang sarap ng may mga kaibigan. lalo pag kasama mo sila.

quarter life crisis - it's not a curse, it's an offer!

lagi kong sinasabi na hindi naman kailangan ng ibang tao para maging masaya ang isang tao. pero pwede pala na ang kawalan ng isang tao ang maging dahilan para agawin ang kasiyahan sa'yo.

wala pa namang anim na buwan para sabihin na depressed ako. pakiramdam ko suicidal ako pero hindi pa naman siguro. kaya mas nakukumbinsi ako na ganun na nga, kasi dine-deny ko. (ayaw ko sanang sabihin un pero para makumbinsi ko ang sarili ko na hindi ako suicidal, ilalagay ko. para poser ang dating ko) sabi ng kaibigan ko, wag daw ako makinig sa depressing music. ung mga kanta na nagpapasaya sakin dati, ayun, pinaiiyak ako ngayon kasi naaalala ko ung masasayang oras. negated ang plano. sabi niya rin, kumain daw ako ng maraming tsokolate habang hinihimay kung bakit ko gusto mag-suicide. ang sakit na ng ipin ko pero wala pa rin yatang serotonin ang katawan ko. ayaw ko pating maging mataba sa huling oras ng buhay ko. pwede ba. sabi niya rin, pag narealize ko na ang lahat ng dahilan (na alam ko naman, in the first place), i-contradict ko daw. ginawa ko naman. pero mas napaniwala ko ung sarili ko na hindi ako masaya. ai ewan.

alam ko mahal magpatingin sa psychiatrist. ipamamana ko na lang ung pera ko que sa makinig sa mga may catatonia.

Part 2

masarap mag-mahal. hindi masarap masaktan. mahirap malungkot. mahirap maka-miss ng tao. mahirap umiyak sa bus station habang inihahatid.mas mahirap umiyak habang nagbibilang ng mga huling oras na magkasama kayo. mahirap din mag-abang sa susunod na oras na magkakasama kayo na hindi mo naman talaga alam kung kailan. mahirap pag hindi mo alam kung mahal ka pa rin niya. o nagbabalak na siyang ipagpalit ka.

hindi naman ako teenager para magkaganito. ano ba yan.

tada

o tadhana ako'y wag paglaruan

sa iyong mga kuko'y wala akong kalaban laban

kaiisip mapapraning, wala namang magagawa

kapag ikaw ay nakipagkasundo na kay bathala.

mga pagkakataon sa aki'y wag naman ipagkait

lubosin ang unos, ang pait ay masapit

hayaan mong akitin naman ako ng liwanag

biyayaan ng saya, wakasan ang siglo ng sakuna.