Nightmares. Can't go back to sleep. Scared.

Lots of dogs, wanting and waiting to rip my body; several street kids who look like Japanese dolls, asking for things inside my pocket - as if they know everything in there; several old trees that resemble those from Alice in Wonderland; and some white "gas" that looks like some twisted wire, like those that bind your spring notebooks, ready to take over my body.

5418868000003378

Ring. Ring.

The oh-so-familiar voice is there again.

Hunting.

Trying to trick you.

Trying to grab your wits.

A bunch of codes then..

She's in.

There you are, hating her. But then again you can't do anything but obey every single command of hers. Every second you get shaky, as if she'll consume you if you haven't provided her with all her needs.

More than consume, actually.

You can't help but be manipulated by the sort of unseen speaker. Even extra careful with the words you're about to say.

You want the conversation to be over, and the least thing that you want to happen is for her to be mad.

No.

You wouldn't want that.

Alas.

"Would there be anything else, Ms. Clinton?"

"Nahh. That's it."

Click.

Several minutes past four in the morning. Last Saturday of May.

Then she's gone.

And damn.

Would you miss her so.

ode to the ro

Pilit tinatakpan
Pumanaw na hagikgik
‘Di sadiyang naitapon
Balot ng belong itim

Tulirong mga mata
Ipinako sa tabi
Sa lilang yelo
Pilit hinahanapan ng init

Ulirat na walang maliw na tumatakbo
Yakap sa balabal na hindi alam kung kailan huhubarin
(Gusto nga bang hubarin, bangkay na payaso?)
Lumilipad sa kahapon
At sa mga maaring sana naging

Umaasang magising sa isang katotohanan
Na kaya mo nang yakapin.

just when i was leaving the salon

Yeah, I feel the same way.

one time big time (bago pumunta sa up fair)

Mahal kita.

At kahit ilang ulit, ilang tanong, pagbalibaligatrin man nila ako eh yan lang masasabi ko.

Mahal kita.

Ang kulit kung pano tayo nagkakilala. Pano nagkita. pano naging.. ganito.

Mahal kita.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan naging ganito ang situasyon. hindi ko alam kung titigil ako sa pagiging ganito. Hindi ko alam kung tadhana nga bang matatawag o sadiyang napaglaruan lang ng panahon, ng situasyon, o ni Bathala. Pero ito, pinaniniwalaan ko ito..

Mahal kita.

At kahit ilan pa siguro ang mag-rebuke sa'kin na hindi ko naman talaga naiintindihan kung bakit, ito lang ang masasabi ko at ito pa rin ang paulit-ulit na sasabihin ko.

Mahal kita.

Ganu'n ka-simple. Ganu'n kadali.

Ganu'n nga ba?

Kaya lang naman nagiging komplikado ang mga bagay bagay eh dahil rin do'n.. Dahil kung hindi kita mahal, kung ano-ano na siguro nagawa ko. Simple lang siguro ang mga bagay-bagay.

Mahal kita.

Pero malamang mas mahal ko Siya.

Mas mahal mo rin Siya.

At isa iyon sa mga dahilan kung bakit hahayaan ko ang sarili ko na mahalin ka.

musings of a (non-)cigarette smoking (wo)man

It's already 2 in the morning. I'm frigging awake. Parasitology class starts at 7. Now I'm just another mindless zombie lulled to wake. I hate this. I hate wanting to want to sleep. I hate having to have to sleep.

Darn it.

Jan 17, '07 11:01 PM

Grab my wrist and slit it there
Took Your blood, did not let it stare
Made it shout
Allow I feel
I’ll guard my heart
Purify for Thee
Do the lead and see me through
Drain me down
Clean me up
Stitch me, please, once more anew.

Jan 17, '07 12:50 PM

All hallucinations let them cease,
For darkest music is lull to my ear.
Whatever is true, allow it to un-blind me.
The dance of tragedy seems poetic, You see.
Spare me again from the lion’s den,
Return my breath, for this I can’t bear.
Once more my death here I lay,
Push me forth away that lovely grave.

laiya

Akala mo ba'y madali na lisanin ka?
Akala mo ba'y iniwanan kita nang ganun ganun na lang?
Nang basta basta na lamang?

Grabe naman.

Sana man lamang ay sumagi nang kahit isang segundo sa isip mo na nahirapan ako.

Na nahihirapan pa rin ako.

Ang huling lingon na iyon..
Akala mo ba'y kinalimutan na kita?
Na madaling kalimutan ka?
Na madali ang lahat nang ito?
Ako'y patuloy na binibigahin mo.

Patuloy akong hinahabol nang ala-ala mo.
Patuloy kang tumatakbo sa isipan ko.
Sa panaginip ko,
Maging sa realidad ko.
Ni hindi ko na nga yata alam kung sa realidad nga ba tayo nagkita.

Ngunit..

Oo.

Tama.

Iyon nga pala ang tatlong araw ng realidad na pinakatatangi ko.
Pa’no ko nga ba makalilimutan?

Siguro nga.

Ang lahat kasi ay mistulang pangarap na nagkatotoo nang tatlong araw.
At kalian pa kaya na ika’y muling makakasama?
Sobrang nagsusumamo ako na makapiling kang muli.
Na ika’y makaulayaw.
Sa ilalim ni Luna..
Maging sa ilalim ng tirik na araw.
Sa mga oras na ito ay iyon lang ang batid ko.
Iyon lamang ang tanging hangarin ko.
Lunod pa rin ako sa'yo, Batangas..
Lunod pa rin ako sa'yo.

Monday, October 9, 2006

Me: Uhmm, Death? Can you please stop
embracing me? Thanks.

Death: Oh.. Sorry. Am I choking you?

Me: I guess you're supposed to do that. You're
Death, remember?

Death: Oh yeah. Sorry.

Me: No prob. I hope you won't mind moving away
too.

Death: Sorry. Ok. Am I too close? Sorry.

Me: You're always saying sorry. You're starting to
annoy me.

Death: Am I? Err.. Sorry. Oh shucks. Sorry again.
Argh. Sorry.

Me: And why do you keep on apologizing?

Death: Sor.. Err..

Me: You aren't supposed to be polite, right?

Death: . . .

Death: How should someone like me if I'm not?

Me: Are we supposed to like you?

Death: Don't you?

Me: . . .

Death: Darn it. I knew it wasn't working.

Me: You're tricking me again.

Death: Nahh.. That's just how I am. If I won't lure
you to my empty space.. Is there a filled space?
Well, anyway, if I won't tempt you to like me, then I
wouldn't be Death at all.

Me: You've got a point.

Death: Coffee?

Me: Sure. Wait..

Death: I prefer coco. Caffeine's bad for my neurons
and axons and dendrites. And add peanut butter.
Thanks.

Me: You add peanut butter on coco?

Death: Don't you? That's weird.

Me: Wait, I'm not supposed to like you.

Death: Why?

Me: Should I?

Me: You killed my Savior.

Death: Correction. Technically, I attempted to kill
Him.

Death: He's too strong. I just couldn't. He makes
me tremble. He's so filled with love.

Me: It's so odd for you to remind me that. More of
bizarre that I have to be reminded of that by you.

Death: Think so?

Me: Yeah.

Death: I wish He died for me too.

Me: Didn't He?

Death: He wouldn't be nailed on the cross if it
weren't for me. And if it weren't for you. More of,
bacause of us but not for us. Just for you, because
of me. Something like that.

Death: I wish He saved me too..

Me: You wouldn't be Death then.

Death: It's frustrating. Believe me. And sad.

Me: If He saved you, would you be called Life?

Death: You haven't met him yet?

Me: So there's this.. Err.. Entity called Life, too?

Death: So you haven't met him.

Death: I'm much kind than him. Life is too harsh.
He's ruthless.

Me: That I can comprehend.

Death: I still wish He saved me,too. I'm still hoping
that He'll save me..

Me: When I talk to Him, I'll mention that.

Death: Isn't it that I have to die first for me to
receive His grace? That's what I have read in the
Bible. You have to die to your self, your desires.

Me: You read the Bible?

Death: I thought I've made it clear that I have an
affinity for Thy Savior. It's in Romans.

Me: Where did you get your Bible? Which reminds
me.. I guess I forgot where I placed mine.

Death: . . .

Death: Sorry.

Me: I've been looking for that for so long!

Death: You have?

Death: You didn't even notice it's gone.

Me: Stalker.

Death: Anyway, I said it's on Romans.

Me: That's true.

Death: New creation. New life, but not Life. He's
horrid, I think I've mentioned that earlier.

Death: Uhm, hey.. Can you please help me die?