sa'n na nga ba?

Miss na kita.

"Asa'n ka?"

'Yan lagi una mong tanong na medyo nakasanayan ko na, kaya minsan pag tumatawag ka, pagka-pindot ng "receive" button, automatic ko nang sasabihin ung kinaroroonan ko.

Ako naman magtatanong sa'yo niyan.

Asa'n ka na?

Naalala ko nanaman ung mga araw na kada ring ng cellphone ko eh panigurado ako eh ikaw un. Naalala ko nanaman ung mga gabing walang tulugan at walang babaan ng telepono. Naalala ko ung mga gabi na nakabalot pa ko ng kumot na tumatayo sa labas ng bahay dahil walang signal sa loob. Nagagalit ka pa 'pag naririnig mo na umuulan. "Asan ka? Huwag ka mag-sinungaleng. Pumasok ka nga sa loob. Ai ang kulet. Magagalit ako. Isa.." Naalala ko ung mga pag-tawag ko sa'yo 'pag worship na sa service kasi 'di ka naka-attend. Naalala ko ung mga sagutan natin sa blog. Naalala ko lahat ng iyak na ginawa ko kasi hindi kita mahanap, ni hindi makausap. Naalala ko ung mga lingon ko kakahanap sa'yo. Naalala ko ung bigla ka na lang napdaan sa harap ko, papunta ka ng LRT 2, Legarda station ts ako nasa sasakyan, papunta ng concert na tribute sa APO Hiking Society. Hindi ako naka-imik nun. Gusto kong bumaba at habulin ka para yakapin ka pero wala akong nagawa.Nanatili akong yelo sa kinauupuan ko. Naalala ko ung hating-gabi na kumain tayo sa McDo kasama si Daisy , galing tayo sa meeting ng Team Creative. Hindi rin tayo naka-imik nung tinanong niya tayo kung ano tayo o kung may "past" tayo. Siya lang naman ung isa sa mga tao na pinahahalagahan ko ng sobra. Sobra sobra. Yun lang naman ung gusto ko isigaw no'n. Naalala ko ung mga paglakad sa araneta at ung pag-try natin manood ng UAAP last year. Naalala ko ung Fire Floss at ung guava juice. Naalala ko ung pag-sakay natin sa "roller coaster" sa Fiesta Carnival. Naalala ko ung pag-sama ko kay mommy mo sa ospital para bantayan si daddy mo. Naalala ko ung pag-bantay ko sa'yo sa ospital. October 13, 2006 un. Friday. Sobrang lakas ng ulan ts ang sama ng pakiramdam mo. Ang arte mo nga nun, eh. Susunduin kita dapat sa bahay pero ayaw mo. Tawag ako ulit matapos ang isang oras, sabi mo, "Ba't andiyan ka pa? Kala ko susunduin mo ko?" Haay. Hanggang ngayon, ganiyan ka pa rin ka-arte.

At hanggang ngayon mahal pa rin kita.

Titgilan ko na ba ang pagtanong kung nasa'n ka? At titigilan ko na rin ba ang pag-intay ng tanong mo na 'yan?

"ano? may nalaglag na ube?"

Two years ago, Analyical Chemistry class, Sir Cuarto. Dalwang taon na pero hanggang ngayon tinatawanan pa rin namin yan. Namin – tatlong first year med students, isang marketing assistant, at ako, isa pa ring delingkwente. Kami-kami rin ung magkakatabi no'n.

May nalaglag na ube?

Joke time talaga un. Pa’no, sa gitna ng pagco-compute sa kung ano-anong kemikales eh tama daw kumain ng polboron; nakarating pa yang mga polboron na iyan mula sa’min sa first row hanggang sa last row. Sakto pag-subo ko eh tinawag ako para mag-recite. Timing nga naman. Aack. Sinubukan ko mag-explain gamit ang sign language. Iyan ang nakuhang mensahe ng prof ko: May nalaglag na ube? \

Alangan naming hindi matawa ang buong klase, di ba?

Kagabi, nag-dinner kami ng college friends ko. Gano’n pala talaga pag medyo tapos ka na sa studyante phase. Walang ibang gusto kunid ang pag-kwentuhan ang nakaraan na para bang ang tanda tanda niyo na. Hanggang ngayon eh hindi ma-maliw ang hagikgik pag nak-kwento yan. Walong buwan nang nakararaan o higit pa nung huli kong narining yan. Pa’no, after ng graduation, pahirapan na magka-kitaan. Kaniya-kaniya, in short.

Marami-rami ring naipon na katatawanan no’n. Andiyan ung bigla na lang aapoy ung chemistry lab. Andiyan ung bigla na lang mangangamoy Lucky Me pancit canton ung lab. Pati ung mga endemic na diarrhea pag malapit na ang submission ng mga lab manual, at ung mga biglang nagiging “shy type” pag recitation – ung tipong pag tinanong ka ng prof, “Why is homeostasis irrelevant to the topic of DNA chromatography as a basis for genealogy?” eh ang masasabi mo na lang eh, “Yes ma’m”.

Ang sarap balikan ng mga araw nang pag-tambay sa shed, ang pag-kain at pagkain sa cafeteria, sa walang sawang pag-plano sa pagb-boycott sa prof na hindi matuloy-tuloy, tsaka na rin sa mga gabing walang tulugan para sa short exam o long quiz; sa mga one-night thesis, ang box office na pila pag enrollment at mas box office na pila sa mga photocopy-han pag malapit na ang exam[na walang sawang tinatawag na seroks]; ang pagpa-pasa-pasa ng lab gown pag inspection, ang pagd-disect ng palaka, pusa, daga, manok at kung ano-ano pang supposedly eh gumagalaw na bagay ng walang gloves, ang pag-gawa ng Harada-Mori culture at parasitology slides ng walang mask; mag overnight review kuno na nauuwi sa panonood ng mga pelikula na may singkit.

Ang sarap balikan ng college life. De-allowance. Hatid-sundo. Walang ibang iniintindi kundi ang pag-pasa sa mga exam. Masarap, pero ok na ung isang beses lang. Hahaha. Sabi ko nga, kung ikaw ung studyante na tulog o nagla-lakwatsa sa gabi bago mag exam eh parang between life and death na ang situasyon.

Pa’no minsan eh kahit ilang gabi kang hindi matulog eh 18/70 pa rin ang grado mo sa exam. Bagsak ka na nga, andiyan pa ung mga eye bags mo na ‘di na lumiit-liit. Andiyan rin ung thesis mo na hindi mo na alam kung saang library ka pa kukuha ng reference materials eh pag-balik sa’yo eh may malaking “REVISE” na nakasulat. At ang Krebs cycle na hanggang ngayon eh hindi mo ma-figure out. Hindi rin maubos-ubos ung mga prof mo na parang pinanganak para pahirapan ka. Naku naman talaga.

Pero ngayon, madalas, pag di ko na laam kung saan ko kukunin ung pang-bayad sa meralco, pang-bayad sa nawasa, at pang bayad ng apartment eh gusto ko na lang maging ung studyante na un na pinagpapawisan ng malamig sa gitna ng exam.

insufferable

Talks most intimate begin with unvoiced conversations. The soul lingers for the most soothing absence of voice. You sense. You hear best when there's not much to be filtered. You just hear. You just understand. You kill talking skills. You listen. The mouth shuts and everything just begins to work. Undivided attention to every moment, every word, every sound.

No interruptions. No scripts.

You go for gut feel.

fame

Me: whatever Friend

Me: :))

Friend: =))

Me: Friend

Friend: yup

Me: i want to be someone famous

Me: :))

Friend: ngik

Friend: demanda mo si gloria

Friend: ;))

Me: over-rated

Me: other suggestions?

Me: :))

Me: basta i want to be someone famous

Friend: e di si raul gonzales

Me: no idea pa kung saan or how

Friend: hehehe

Me: :))

Friend: write a book ;)

Me: sasabihin ko dapat, "you're not taking me seriously"

Me: :D

Friend: ngik

Friend: i just did, didnt i

Me: :D

Me: i suddenly felt excited again

Friend: :D


**

Yes. I want to be someone famous.

I want to have fans, that sort of drama.

Hahaha.

I actually mean it.

lg question of the night

What's the difference between TRUE and REAL?

dogma

Why is it so hard to break from routines?

It's hard to let go of things that you've gotten used to. That's why it's hard when people leave. That's the reason why break-ups are so harsh. That's the reason why you miss places you've spent three days and two nights on. That's the same reason for addiction. That's the exact, same reason why it's sad when telenovelas end.

It's hard to miss things. It's hard to let go of comfort.

cornflake girl

Hey there Big Guy,

I know I've been a big disappointment. I’ve always been.

You see, I often try to be with You, but more often than not I seem to get lost along the way. I was a half-sheep (if a cooked one, medium rare). Only stupid and dull and not exactly obedient.

You know what I think I am? Some voodoo doll of yours who’s trying oh-so-hard to get out of the story. Someone who’s desperately trying to be smart and someone who has the delusion of being brilliant. Yes, I perceive You as reality, and You’re the only Someone whom I perceive as reality for that matter, but the thing is, I seem to love my imaginary world where I seem to take control of things. And right now, everything’s just a mess. It’s like the morning after one big party with nicotine and alcohol and balloons and all.

I think it’s very funny of You to give me this gift of messing my self and things up.

It looks like I’ve slipped somewhere again.

And right now, I guess I’m still under coma - between the party and the morning after. I don’t know what to do. No, I know what to do but the thing is, I can’t wake-up. I don’t know if I’m ready to wake up. I don’t even know if I want to wake up right now. I’m paralyzed. And I’m sorry.

things are getting kind of gross
and i go at sleepy time
this is not really happening
you bet your life it is
Tori Amos

frustrations and conversations with the self

I think I've misplaced my soul.

The thing with being an irony of being apathetic and highly emotional at the same time? It's madness.It's like chasing some memory. No, make it chasing some memory of something that never existed. What if my soul's just something I imagine to have? And how would one now that the soul's lost if, without the soul, one can't feel anything?

It's not sadness then, more of an idea of frustration. Like logical nostalgia.

i'm guessing that this is due to sheer boredom too

Most people I know were stricken by this thing called love. Or so
I think. Or so they think.

The Crush. I have this friend whom, lately, has been a source of amusement of this person whom we shall call, "The Crush". He's sort of kinikilig and is going back to the ancient practices of the "collegiala" (Yeah, you're not getting me wrong. My he friend is a collegiala. And mind you he's not gay, he's just really some collegiala inside.). Now they're sort of going out and I'm sort of terribly missing that person whom I enjoy drinking with. (And the kuwento. Oh man.)

Love that's sort of lost. One friend seems to have her "love life" tricked by mysticism. She has mastered the art of staring at blank walls and has drunk every alcoholic drink she can get ahold of. Quoting from her, "I'm miserable. And dying."

Cheese Decays. Due to sheer boredom, and after I disagreed to identify what "love is", Aden and I threw some "cheesy lines from songs" yesterday (Yeah, that's our lazy Sunday afternoon there.) , making me download songs by ate Shawee.

What's with the moon in Leo?

I think I'd get some sleep for a few hours more.

bagong tulog

Now my mind is constantly drifting to feelings that are unseen. Sleep is terrible in keeping people sane. It often brings me to things that I don't think should even be spoken of, like the haunting past and the much more haunting future; the scary and the lovely - the unknown. They're too beautiful to be ruined by the mind.

There's this thing about sleep that makes you feel tired, more of makes you realize how beaten up your body actually is. I mean, it's crazy. You go to sleep and defy the purpose of it after doing so, like sleeping off a headache then waking up with another headache which one gets as a result of over-sleeping
(Yeah, when one has a headache, no matter how long one sleeps, it doesn't seem to be enough.)

Another terrible thing about sleep (or after sleep, technically speaking) - it makes one feel more alone, and I think that that's one powerful word there. It's like starving the soul.

Now that's terrible and difficult and sad.

I think I'll just stay awake for a while.