ack.

I don’t know which would be more frustrating – not remembering anything or trying to bring back memories? Of course both in futility.

I think I’m scared of growing old because it’ll take me much farther from memories. I think I’ll hate it when I have to eat up my words about “regrets are just a waste of time”. I think I’ll hate it too when time comes that I have to use the phrase “those were the days”. To point out the obvious, what’s more frustrating is that try as you may, there’s absolutely no way to make those memories neither alive nor back. Funny how happy thoughts can make one sad.

That can be the same reason why I’m scared of having Alzheimer’s.

Disclaimer: All these marriages and deaths and birthdays and the Velvet Dream Pop album induced these thoughts.

Sunday Sirens

I wonder what his dreams are



Yes, we'll help you have a bright future.

katrina

swell. i was looking for pictures of you. trying to remember you. trying to recall how you were when you were still.. trying to see how you looked like with that heavy make-up. is that a blue sequined gown? oh god. what the..

trying to picture you on that glassed thing. can we see your whole body? or would it be just the upper half? why not make it the lower half? mahogany? narra? brass? is that your choice of urn? classy. jade. nice. nice.

wait. why am i so moved with your funeral? and what is this bed sheet doing here?

oh.

If women were pets,

we would have been cats.

When a cat makes lambing, its sweeter - kasi they don't usually do it.

I miss my cat. I miss its furry body and its smell that reminds me to have it bathed. I miss its distinct air of sophistication and its refusal of negligence. I miss Rar badly :(

He was here when everything seemed strange and not quite right. We would often end up in habulan till we were both exhausted, then we'll talk. Nice conversation. Him and his human.

He'd often cry in the middle of the night. Somehow he knows that I'm just there, awake and troubled too. He'd stare at me while I go though pages and pages of books like Cell Biology and MorphoAna. If only he knew that my block mates and I and tons of scientists were responsible for the death of his family.

I miss how its stare manipulates me. I miss how it makes me do things without even asking me to do so. Rar abandoned our home a few days after I left. Either he missed me, or he knew what was really happening.

Something tells me that that cat was me.

And now he's just nowhere to be found.

This is

one of those mornings when I don't feel like talking but have a lot to say. Can't construct the sentences, things just flowing out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

kill the mood swings

These mood swings are killing me. Been having it since I have no idea when, but the past few days had been pretty awful (wow, pretty and awful). Can't even write about things - the second an idea comes, half of my crammed brain contradicts the other half. A dialogue on it's own and I'm not even part of it.

Madness.

juan

Ang laki-laki mo na.

'Yan ang madalas na marinig ko sa mga reunion. Lagi-lagi na lang, na parang nagugulat ang mga nakatatanda na hindi na kami ung mga sanggol na kinakarga-karga nila, o ung batang uto-uto na hinahalik-halikan nila kapalit ng kendi.

Na para bang sila lang ung tumatanda.

Aray.

Kwento ng nanay ko, nung bata daw ako, hindi ako umiiyak pag iniiwanan sa school; 'di kagaya nung mga bata na mawala lang sa paningin ang yaya eh humahagulgol na. Hindi din daw ako mahilig umiyak 'pag umaalis sila at yaya lang ang kasama ko sa bahay. Sia pa daw ung naiiyak 'pag naiisip niya na iiwanan niya 'ko. Naman. Kailan ko natutunan na masakit palang iwanan, kung gano'n? Kailan ko nga ba nalaman na hindi lahat nadadaan sa Hi-C at Hi-Ro?

Kanina hinatid ko ung kapatid kong mas bata sa may gate. May duty sa ospital. Tulog pa kasi ung maid kaya ako muna taga-lock. Pasado alas-kuwatro pa lang, ah. Sa loob-loob ko. Maaga pa. Hindi ba delikado?

Maaga pa. Teka, wala pa tayong bente-kuwatro oras magkasama. Weekends nga lang ako umuuwi dito, aalis ka na ka'gad?

Maaga pa. Tara, mag-laro muna tayo. Monopoly? Scrabble? Tong-its? Pusoy dos? O2 jam? Naalala mo ung power pusoy? Ung super-power-pusoy-dos-its? Biernes santo nung nakaraang taon natin na-imbento un. Wala si mama, kumpleto tayong magkakapatid dito; kasama rin natin ung boyfriend ni ate tsaka ang paborito nating pinsan.

Maaga pa. Kumain ka na ba? Almusal muna tayo. Kape? Naalala ko ung mga gabi na sabay tayo nagpupuyat para sa school. Naalala ko ung mga merienda natin pag bakasyon, o kaya pag kumpleto tayong magkakapatid. Ako ung taga-brew ng kape, ikaw ung taga-bili ng merienda o kaya si ate magluluto, o kaya pag tinatamad ka eh ung bunsong kapatid natin ang napagdi-disketahan natin utusan. Naalala ko rin nung ikaw pa ung bunso. Ewan ko ba kung ba't hindi tayo magka-sundo-sundo dalawa no'n. Habulan sa hagdan, kurutan, pati boxing natutunan ko dahil sa'yo. Lahat na yata nang sakitan. Pati ung pag-tulak mo sa'kin sa hagdan, naalala ko pa. Iyak ako ng iyak no'n, plakda sa garahe. Natatawa na lang ako ngayon. Ang sagwa kung gano'n pa rin tayo, no? Buti na lang hindi na. Ayaw na ayaw kitang nakikita dati. Umiinit ulo ko. 'Di ko akalain, mami-miss rin pala kita.

Maaga pa. Mag-kwentuhan muna tayo. Kamusta ka na?

Ang laki-laki mo na.

galle.

Awaken me from supposed sweet slumber

Let my passion once more arise

To You I'll cling and run and stay and die

Fill me with You -

Save me from this supposed life.

day 6

Shadows. Lots and lots of shadows. Chasing. One by one chasing. Haunting.

I want some water.

tatay stuff

It's my dad's birthday next week. How come I'm not excited?

When I was a kid, we'd often have those dinner bash to celebrate that. Food would be overflowing, and to say that the cases of beer would be overflowing would be such an understatement. There'd be a banner hanging in the middle of our ground floor sala, "Happy Birthday Boss James", in bold, and every employee and friend would sign it. He'd have friends over our Sct. Gandia home and they'd have great food and greater amounts of alochol to celebrate his birthday, with people who calls him boss. Friends were an important factor in his life, you see. I guess it's hereditary and very much evident.

Everyone was happy.

And yeah, we've had family dinners too, although I can't exactly remember every birthday dinner 'cause he brought us out a lot.

Now I'd have to think of some new way to celebrate his birthday this year, aside from the dinner.

It's been almost five years. I'm still wishing he didn't die that time.

I guess I'd have to celebrate with some grabbed memory